- That's a little scary. - Stop tying to wear me out.
I think-You know, you have a real hang-up with the term "stalker."
No, I just fail to see how you showing up at my museum everyday...
for, like, two weeks makes me the stalker...
when clearly it makes you the stalker.
The most important thing to remember here- Hand, please.
These past two months...
have really, truly been the happiest two months...
- of your life. - [Laughs]
- I love you. - Love you too. - There you go.
W-Wait. Excuse me. [Sing a song] Son of a bitch.
I keep telling this guy no olives...
and he keeps bringing me olives, and that's a problem because-
- You hate olives. - I hate olives! I hate olives.
Don't move. I'm on it.
There. Crisis averted.
You know, usually I would be completely disgusted...
with someone sticking their fingers into my drink, but with you, not so much.
In fact, it, uh- Mmm. It adds a certain Melinda "zestiness" to it.
Well, we make a good team.
Yes, we do.
Well, I am going to go powder my nose. [Clears Throat]
Oh. Do me a favor- lf the waiter comes back...
would you make sure there are no olives in my cake?
I like that.
Spence! Spence. All right, man, it's time.
- Time for what? - It's time for me to get engaged.
You were gonna put this in her sundae, remember?
- [Whistles] - Oh, yeah. Right. Nice rock.
Oh. Thanks.
[Groaning] Oh, boy.
Oh. Sorry. It was packed.
- I just had to fight for a mirror. - [Laughs]
Here we are. A sundae for the gentleman.
And chocolate cake for the lady.
Actually, I think that she had the sundae and I had the cake.
Oh, okay, yeah. Got it.
Mmm.
So, Mel...
I'm glad you stalked me...
Cause, Um...
I never met anyone like you before...
and I, uh- I know that...
we've only been dating a little while, but...
I just feel like I have known you my-
my-my whole- my whole life.
Are you chewing that?
[Woman] Oh, my God! Praise Jesus!
Praise Jesus! Oh, Calvin! I knew you’d do it.
Excuse me one second. Just wanna take that- [Chuckles]
Just a little quick search for something.
All right. Be right back.
- [Woman] I'm calling Mama. - Hi. Hi.
- I'm sorry. I think there's been a mistake. - Mama!
I'm getting married, Mama.
Ma'am? Ma'am? Pardon me. Pardon me. That's my ring.
Hang on, Mama.
May I help you?
Yes.
I'm so sorry, but I think the waiter...
mistakenly brought you the wrong sundae.
You see, that-that's my grandmother's ring.
I think you better go sit over there before my fiancé here...
"whups" your ass.
Okay, how about I buy both of your dinners?
Good? Yes. Except I'm gonna need that back though, so-
- Ow! - Okay, baby, "whup" his ass!
- Uh, baby, the thing is- - The thing is...
I haven't waited 17 years on your sorry ass...
to let this white shadow come and spoil my engagement.
It's either you whup his ass, Calvin...
or I'll whup yours.
Yeah. You need to go now.
- Right. - [Woman] Mama? Yes!
Um, how about-
It's beautiful. Thief_ Help!
[Shouting]
- [Groaning] - Give me my ring!
Give me my ring!
- [Siren Blares] - [Chuckles]
Well, this wasn't exactly what I had planned.
[Police Radio Chatter]
Look. I know we haven't been together long...
but you know when something just feels right...
and you don't want that feeling to end?
Okay, Romeo, save it for your cell mate.
Whoa. Clancy. Give the kid a minute.
- Thank you. - No problem.
Long story short. I love you.
- I love you. - Will, uh-
Will you, uh-
- Will you marry me? - Yes, I will marry you.
[Both Laughing]
Okay. Congrats and all that.
You have the right to remain silent.
Anything you say can and will be used against you in a court of law.
I'm gonna go now.
Dude, are you fuckin' with me?
"Congratulations" might be the more appropriate response here, Derek.
You've only dated her for two months.
I've had this cold sore longer than that.
This coming from a guy who's been married three times.
Have you learned nothing from me, man?
I am a cautionary tale.
I am Jesus. I have suffered for your sins.
- [farts] - [Groans] Please let that be a fart.
[Farts]
Yeah, baby! Suck it, losers.
Ooh! [Laughs]
Okay. That was definitely not a fart.
You know, I think that "bitch" is feeding this thing Indian food just to screw with me.
- [Babbling] - [Both Groan]
Yeah, you did a poop. Yeah.
Any of you need changing?
Hey, where's, uh- Where's Seth? He's up.
He's looking for a ball. Didn't have time to stop at home and get his.
We're in a bowling alley. How hard is it to find a ball?
[Boy] All right! I'll take it!
Sorry, fellas. I'm on the D.L. tonight.
I don't think there's a disabled list for rec league bowling, buddy.
Ron, how can you abandon me with these two losers?
I'm not abandoning anybody.
Just 'cause I'm getting married doesn't mean I'm not gonna be here for bowling night...
or fishing weekend or Jason’s biannual "porno palooza."
You know, nothing's gonna change.
Yeah. Well, that's what I thought.
Now if you’ll excuse me, I gotta get little shit machine...
back to his gold-digging whore of a mother, huh?
Hey, don't forget your ball.
[Chattering]
I was talking with the mayor...
and I put a bug in his ear about having the reception at the opera house.
You know, Mom, we were thinking of having a small, simple wedding.
[Laughs] Honestly, Melinda.
We're not Amish.
- [Doorbell Rings] - I'll get it.
- Oh, my little sister's engaged! - [Laughs]
Hi, beautiful.
- Hi, Todd. - Sorry. I can't hear.
He's always working.
Let me ask you something.
Is it wrong to want to tap sister-in-law ass?
Right. Oh. I gotta go.
- [Clears Throat] - Honey.
- Yes? - Does this remind you of when we got engaged?
- How could I forget? - Let's go on a second honeymoon.
Someplace romantic. Maybe make a baby.
Hey, there's your dad.
Hey. Abe.
Did you hear the one about the horny jockey and the Venezuelan stable boy?
[Laughing] No, but I think I like it already.
- [Todd] It's delicious. - [Doorbell Rings]
- [Children Chattering In Chinese] - Hi, guys.
[Chattering Continues]
Speak English, huh? English!
Look, go watch some TV, huh? [Speaks Chinese]
- They're so cute. - Sorry about that.
They're from the second marriage.
The ex only lets them speak to me in Mandarin, the hairy ass crack.
- Yeah. - Anyway
- Congratulations. - Oh. Thank you.
- Here. - Oh. Sure. Uh-
Okay.
## [Humming]
Oh!
How's my baby?
My mother's killing me with wedding crap.
- Mmm. - I seriously don’t think I can take another year of this.
Mmm. Well, we could just elope, of course.
Then she'd kill both of us.
What are you doing?
You.
- Mmm! Baby, we're in the panty. - Oh! That's a good point.
[Inhales]
[Laughing] What are you doing?
- Oh, my God. - # Sex elevator# Ding.
[Laughs] You are so stupid.
Hey. Would it kill you to buy some groceries, man?
Yeah, if the Mystics would cover the goddamn spread, I could.
The Mystics? You're bettin' on the W.N.B.A.?
Mm-hmm. Well, hello. [Chuckles]
Hi. I'm-I’m Judith. I-I work with Mel.
Oh, hey, Judith. I’m Jason.
I'm, uh, Ron's best friend- since childhood.
Yeah. And this is Seth, his college roommate.
And that's Derek. Used to be his boss. Yeah.
- Are you all in finance? - Actually, I'm in consumer products testing.
[Sniffing]
[Sneezes]
- Derek, do you still work with Ron? - No. I, uh-
I left that company a while back...
but, uh, I'm still in finance, you know.
I'm telling you, man, she had a pine tree air freshener in her underpants. Gotta go.
- What do you do? - I am in the advertising game.
- Yeah. - Advertising?
- Mm-hmm. - That sounds exciting.
It is. Yeah, it is.
You know, Judith, you're a friend of Mel's and I'm a friend of Ron's...
so I'm thinkin' we should get together.
You know, maybe- maybe grab a pizza, fuck.
No? You don't like pizza?
Seriously, who doesn't like pizza?
Hey, uh, everyone? Everyone, um-
I don't know how to say this, but...
Mel and I simply could not come to an agreement on our wedding colors...
so we are breaking up.
Very sorry. Everyone drive safe.
- [Crowd Laughing] - Yes! Welcome back, buddy.
He was kid- He was kidding.
- [Stammers, Laughs] - Sorry, Mel.
It's okay.
Anyway, uh, two short months ago...
I wandered into the Cleveland Museum of Modern Art.
I was, of course, lost, um, but then...
I laid eyes on the best exhibit in the whole joint- Mel.
- [Crowd Sighs] - [Scoffs]
Uh, no, I know that two months is an awfully short time to get engaged...
but, to be honest with you, I was ready to propose on that first day.
So needless to say...
when Mel proposed, I said yes.
- [Crowd Laughs] - I didn't want to give her time...
to change her mind, so we have set a date.
On May 31, one month from today...
you are all invited to our open bar-
- Which will also feature a wedding, but, you know- - [Laughing]
All right, let's get drunk.
Hey, uh, Derek?
Why is your kid dropping a deuce in that plant?
Jesus! Stop it! Bah! Bah!
Mmm. [Chuckles]
Now, Abe, I've taken a look at the numbers for last quarters.
I think we’ve got some dead weight. Here, look.
Take a look at this.
- Hey, hey, fellas. - [Abe] Ron, come in.
- Abe, you're a whiskey man, is that right? - Absolutely.
All right, I got something here for you.
What have we got here?
Mmm.
Oh, that's nice. What is this?
Jameson's 30-year Private Reserve.
I'm half Irish, so I gotta support the motherland. I brought you a bottle.
You're Irish? My mother's from Galway.
Geez, it's gonna be great to get some more Irish blood in the family here.
You know, Todd here is English, but we try not to think about that.
[Laughs]
- You like Cubans? - Uh, yes.
- Thank you. - From what I understand, Ron...
you're a, uh-you're a numbers man.
Yes, sir. I'm a financial consultant.
I started out as a numbers man.
In fact, Ron, you remind me a lot of myself when I was a young man.
We can always use more numbers men in the company.
You know, it's overrun now with too many goddamn lawyers.
No offense, Todd.
After all, it is a family business.
Well, uh, thank you, sir. It's a very generous offer.
No, no, no. Abe. You call me Abe.
Looks like you need a refill. Todd!
- Yes, sir? - Let's go find that bottle of yours, huh?
- Take care of that, would you? - [Hisses]
So, Ron, have you heard the one about the horny jockey and the Venezuelan stable boy?
[Ron Laughs] No, but it sounds painful.
It's been a great couple of months...
and I can honestly say that you are the best two interns...
we have ever had here.
Unfortunately, we can only hire one of you.
So... let the best intern win!
[Crowd Cheering, Hooting]
[Bell Rings]
Get in there, Maxie! Get in there!
Get angry! Get angry!
[Cell Phone Ringing]
- Oh, that's not good. - [Grunting]
- Y'ello. - Ronny, it's Todd.
Oh, hey, Todd. What-What's goin' on?
Oh, just a little thing called your bachelor party. So what's the game plan?
I, uh, don't know.
My buddies are big fans of “Two-for-Tuesday" lap dances at Spanky's.
Listen, Ron, this is your last hurrah.
We gotta do this thing in style.
Thinkin' we fly somewhere warm, hmm?
Where the drinks have umbrellas, the hotels are five stars...
the vagina flows like water-
Sweet, sticky water.
Wow. That sounds great, but some of the guys are on tight budgets.
That's what the company card's for, right?
I mean, like Abe said, this is a family business.
Look, that is very generous of you, but I can't let you pay for all that.
Look, I'm really happy that you’re marrying Mel.
I mean, I always wanted a brother...
but unfortunately my mother died when I was pretty young.
Look, I know we're not blood or anything...
but, look, I would be honoured if you would let me...
throw my new brother his bachelor party.
Well- Of course, Todd. Yeah. Absolutely.
Awesome.
Now listen, you probably want to get some sleep, bro-ham...
'cause you’re gonna need it.
Wow, Todd, l- I'm so sorry about your mom.
I never knew.
Billy, are you fucking retarded?
She's not dead. She's in Phoenix...
with her second husband and her third set of tits.
- I'm sorry. - Yeah. Yeah, you are.
Now, look.
I need recon on this guy. Ron Simmons.
I wanna know everything about him- every little detail.
Every man has his weakness, Billy, and I wanna know his.
The old man's steppin' down soon. I'm next in line.
I haven't been sleeping with this cow of a daughter for the last three years...
just so Daddy's little favourite can come in and take it from me.
Uh-uh.
Mmm. Sadly, Billy...
I just don't think this little union's gonna make it to the altar.
Mmm.
- [Horn Honking] - Let's go! I'm still sober.
Come on, man. The chicks in South Beach aren't gonna fuck themselves.
- Hey, Mel. - Hey, boys.
I love you, baby doll. See you soon. Mmm.
Hey- Oh! [Chuckling] What's that for?
Well, you gotta buy the groom a lap dance.
Pick a hottie.
See? That's why I'm marrying you.
- [Tires Screeching] - Oh, shit.
It's my first wife. Let's go, let's go, let's go, let's go!
- Love you. - Go, go, go. Come on, go!
[Tires Screeching]
Nice try, asshole.
It's your weekend with your son. Remember?
Hey, it's Ron's bachelor party.
That is your problem, shit for brains.
Ron, congratulations.
Oh! Marriage is a beautiful thing...
and I am so very happy for you.
Ass wipe.
Thanks, Irene.
I'm sorry you’re not gonna be able to make it. That sucks.
Get in the van, Ron. Tick-tock, tick-tock.
## [Headphones: Rock]
All right, I'm goin', okay? My life knows no joy.
All I know is work and alimony payments and babysitting.
So if you think I'm missing out on a weekend...
of drunken debauchery, you're sadly mistaken.
Well, he can't come with. This is a bachelor party, not Romper Room.
- Ron? - Ron?
- [Jet Engine Whining]
Wait a minute. This?
This is your future father-in-law's plane, man?
Way to go, Federline.
- And this Todd guy, he's gonna pay for the whole weekend? - Yeah, I guess so.
- [Laughs] - Sounds gay to me, man.
Yeah, we don't have to put out, do we?
Yeah, I'm not sleepin' with your brother-in-law, Ron.
## [Radio: Hip-hop]
- [Tires Screech] - What a douche.
My niggas!
Huh? What about this?
So, uh, guys, this is Todd. Todd, the guys.
Gentlemen. Let's do this.
- [Derek] Nice sweater. I guess purple's coming back. - Shotgun.
Whoa. What's with the kid?
- Oh, don't worry. He's the mature one. - Perfect.
[Laughs]
- Uh- - [Chuckling] Oh, man.
- What? What? - Okay, okay, listen, guys.
Take your sea- Why don’t you have any pants on?
What, this is a private plane, right?
Theme’s my privates.
- [Laughs] - [Derek] Eww.
Anyway, look. Couple off light attendants are gonna come out.
Go over some safety precautions. It's not a big deal.
- Great. - Oh, ladies?
- Hello, boys. I'm Mandy. - And I'm Sandy.
And I'm in the upright and locked position.
Yeah! [Laughs]
We'll be serving you all the way to sunny Florida.
And I got two million airline miles. Yeah!
Hey, Derek. Offspring.
Aw, geez. Hold on.
Come on, "Melvoid." Let's go.
Dad, it's Tommy, dumb ass.
Go see Captain Larry in the cockpit.
- I don't wanna go to the cockpit. - Captain Larry.
Don't forget to wipe your ass.
In the event of a water landing...
you will find several flotation devices...
on board the aircraft.
[Cell Phone Ringing]
Talk to me, Billy.
I've checked you into the suite and made sure the bar is fully stocked.
- What about decorations for the room? - I'm taking care of that now.
[Chattering]
[Tommy] Guys, come on. Let me out.
[Laughs]
Oh.
[Derek Muttering]
You, sir, know how to travel.
Well, nothing is too good for my new bro.
- All right. - Mmm.
Speakin' of which, have you ever had two girls at once?
Uh, actually, sadly, no. But, uh, have you?
Of course, or else I wouldn't be married.
Listen. I cannot let my new brother get married till he has had a hat trick...
and I happen to have it on very good authority...
that Sandy and Mandy are, mmm, morally flexible.
[Laughs] And I love that about them.
I do, but, u_
I don't know, I think this weekend...
I just wanna hang out with you guys...
and get drunk and maybe crap my pants.
- You know. I'm a traditionalist. - Okay. You know what?
I'm gonna let this little Boy Scout routine fly for right now.
- [Laughs] - Let me tell you something.
My motto in business and in life...
is "balls to the wall."
Now, the mark of a good bachelor party...
is the bachelor getting laid early and often.
And the Todd only throws the best bachelor parties.
Ladies, do your worst.
Guys, I'm-I'm fine. I really don’t want a lap dance now. I'm fine.
- [Both Giggling] - Whoa.
Wait. Can I just-A little Purell first? Like, two-two squirts, please?
Shut it, germ boy.
[Screams]
Oh, dear God!
- [Mandy] Bye. - Okay. All right.
Thank you, ladies.
Yeah! [Laughs] Drained it.
[Derek] See you on the Internet. [Laughs]
[Mandy] See you on the way back.
See ya. Thanks. Whoa.
- [Thuds] - [Whimpers]
[Groans]
- All right? - Way to go.
One minute in Miami and two broken arms. That's our Seth.
All right, gentlemen. Gentlemen, listen up. This is Billy.
He's gonna be helping us out with the, uh, festivities this weekend.
- What's up? - Let's check it out.
Come on. Left, right.
- Welcome to the presidential suite. - Wow.
Ha, ha!
Oh, my God. They're really letting me in this place?
[Laughing] Oh, look at this. Whoo!
Dip my balls in champagne, 'cause I'm in heaven.
Groovy, Todd.
Damn, Ron, I might just bang your brother-in-law after all, man.
Oh, well, thanks for that image.
[Laughs] Geez.
- You good over there, Seth? - Yes.
All right, pal. This place is amazing.
- Thank you. - Aw, nothin' but the best.
Now, there is one more stop on the tour.
[Chuckling] Yeah.
- [Chattering] - Gentlemen, say hello to my little friends.
[Giggling]
- Guten Tag. - Hello.
Guten Tag.
## [Singing In German]
Eins! Zwei! Drei!
Whoo!
[With German Accent] Long live Hitler!
[Groans] Just gonna- I'm gonna hit the head.
[Ron] What are you tying to do, kill me?
- [No Audible Dialogue] - [Chattering]
- Hey. - Move.
- So what do we got? - All right, so-
- There's a camera in every single room. - Perfect.
lf this guy so much as pops a stiff_, we're gonna get it on tape.
I'm telling you, that German chick said something about Hitler.
My German's a little rusty, but I am pretty sure that she said...
"Long live Hitler."
Seth? Relax, pal. Get a massage.
I'm serious, okay? As the only Jew here, all right...
I feel it is my responsibility to be concerned...
that our roommates might be Nazis.
All right, buddy, I'll tell you what.
lf they even think about invading Poland, we'll let somebody know.
All right, Ronny. Gin and tonic time, buddy.
Oh, fire it up. Ahhh.
Will you just drop it, please?
Hey, I'm cool with your sexuality, D.
It’s just, I don't swing that way, man.
Look. Asking you to rub sun block on my back does not make you gay.
Seriously. You might as well have asked me for a hand job.
- Okay, that is just sick. - Hey.
I smell cocktail wieners.
What?
Eureka.
- Okay. - What are you doing?
You don't even know what the S.A.A. is.
I it’s Sales Associates of America or some crap.
Just, you know, talk about selling and goal realization...
and all that other Tony Robbins shit.
Why am I Tubbs?
Because you, sir, are no Crockett.
[Clicks Tongue]
To be honest with you, I was a bit nervous coming here.
When we first proposed a Sex Addicts Anonymous retreat, people rolled their eyes.
- The were, like, "Why not just call it an orgy?" - Ooh.
Oh, no, you'll see.
These retreats offer a very supportive environment...
where we can focus on healing and getting on the road to recovery.
This weekend, sex will be the farthest thing from your mind.
[Chattering]
I can't get enough of that-
- You like guns, Pop? - What is that?
The best day of my life was the day they gave me my 1 O-year chip.
Oh, welcome. I'm Sue Hoover, president of the Southeast chapter.
Oh, nice to meet you, Sue- All of you.
So what chapter are you from, Tubbs? Is that your first name?
- Uh- - Actually, that's his last name.
Yeah, I'm Sonny and that's my partner Rico.
Yeah. And we're from the Midwest chapter.
- Welcome, Sonny and Rico. - Yeah.
So, how long have you two been in the program?
- Oh, not very. - Well, speak for yourself. Rico...
'cause I've been a member for, oh, gosh, like, 20 years.
- Twenty years? My goodness. - Yeah.
- Wow. - Yeah, I got started really young.
- My grandpa, he was a member, so he started teaching me early. - [Coughs]
Oh, careful there, Suzy.
Those things are a little tricky. You gotta be careful.
Yeah, you know, between my grandpa and the Boy Scouts...
- it was like I was just born to be in S.A.A. - The Boy Scouts?
Oh, yeah. I did a lot of hustling in the Scouts.
Yeah, with the Christmas tree lot in the winter...
and then goin' door to door in the summertime- whatever it took.
- My scoutmaster even said I was the best he ever had. - [Coughs]
- I'm fine. - Are you all right?
Okay, let's not bore the nice people...
with faded childhood glories there, Sonny.
- Hey, Rico, isn't that your kid over there? - Hmm?
Not a lot of women are comfortable with a male "vagina ecologist"...
but I have many, many satisfied patients.
- I am booking appointments. - Come on.
- So, uh, Betty. - Hmm?
You wanna maybe grab a drink later?
You know, talk shop? I could always use some pointers on my technique.
Okay? [Chuckles] Man.
- I need to call my sponsor. - Mm-hmm.
[Todd] Guys, let's go! The stripper's aren't getting any younger.
- Sonny! Sonny! - Hey!
Betty, what's-what's goin' on?
Nothing. I just really enjoyed talking with you earlier.
Oh, well, th-that's cool. Yeah.
[Chuckles]
Maybe, uh- Maybe we should hang out, you know?
- Grab a pizza, fuck? - [Laughs] I thought you’d never ask.
- Pardon? - Well, I don't eat pizza, but whatever.
Gentlemen, I will see you later.
[Laughing]
That line has never worked. I mean, ever.
I'm gonna be really pissed if she doesn't murder him...
or at least harvest a kidney, man.
## [Dance Rock]
[Chattering]
Ugh! That-That pole's gotta be covered in crabs and herpes...
and God knows what.
I am so glad I cashed in my 401 (k), man.
- [Groans] - Gentlemen, this booth's us.
Come on.
- [No Audible Dialogue] - Excuse me, ladies.
I hate to interrupt this meeting of the minds, but I got a work question.
Who wants to make $1 O, OOO for five minutes of work?
Oh- Back, back. Yeah. There it is. There it is.
- Aaah! - Yeah!
Get into position.
Oh! The conquering hero has returned.
[Laughing] Yeah.
- Hey, that didn't take long, man. - Trust me, dude.
She couldn't take much more. I fucking killed it- Ninja style.
- Oh, yeah? What, like fast and silent? - You know it, brother. Yeah.
Hoo. Check it out. That chick's a dead ringer for a young Nancy Reagan.
- [Seth] So? - I always wanted to fuck Nancy Reagan. Yeah!
[Seth] I was always fond of Geraldine ferraro.
- Very sexy. - Come on, bachelor.
You've got a date in the V.I.P. room.
Go to the V.I.P. - Oh, my God.
Whoa. Hey!
Whoa! You're-You're very nimble.
Shh. Saver your energy. You're gonna need it.
Oh. [Laughs]
Oh, wow.
I've gotta get married more often.
Uh- Hey. Hey.
Maybe the belt should stay buckled though. No?
Robin! Your mommy's on the phone.
- Your grandma had a heart attack. - Nana?
Uh-huh.
Oh, my God. That's horrible. l-
- You're not going anywhere, baby. - Hey. Hey-Ah!
[Moaning] Okay.
Hey. Hey-That's a zipper.
- That's happening now. - Hey, back of_
- He's mine. - You can share.
What? What? Oh! Oh, Lord.
- Maybe we've had enough. That's my leg. - You fucking bitch!
[Both Shouting]
[Screams]
[Whimpers, Screams]
Holy shit. Come on, guys.
- [Ron Groaning] - Get the hell off of him.
- [Moans] - Hey!
[Groans]
[Yelling]
[Laughing] Yeah! Stripper fight!
- [Groans] - Get of_ Get of_
- [Screaming] - [Screams]
[Screaming]
What is Todd's deal?
Is he tying to get me laid or get me killed?
- Hey, man, there are worse ways to die. - Yeah.
Dudes, that chick in the corner...
is throwing me signals like she’s Johnny fuckin' Bench.
She's paying more attention...
to the floating lint than you, dude.
All right, let's get down to brass tacks, okay?
- Are you ready for marriage, Ron? - I think so. Yeah.
Oh. So you’re ready to say good-bye to blowjobs?
'Cause that's the first thing that goes.
Married women don't give blowjobs. It's a union thing, man.
And then your sports that you love...
that's the next thing you can kiss good-bye.
- Mel likes sports. - No, no, no.
They pretend they like sports...
the same way we pretend we like talkin' to them.
The only sports you're gonna get when you're married...
is Little League T-Ball.
And I've seen that stuff. and trust me, Ron.
Most of those kids really fuckin' suck, okay?
And by the time they take away the last thing...
that gives you any pleasure at all- booze-
you've forgotten what happiness is.
So now you're just walking around...
an empty shell of the man you once were.
And that's when they leaver you, Ron. Hmm.
Claimin' that "You're not the man I married."
Well, no shit, hey?
Thanks for playin', and here's a parting gift.
Child support and alimony right up the ass!
And... that's marriage, Ron.
You ready for that?
- I'm gonna go pee. - Mmm.
- Yeah? - Yeah.
I need some pills. [Groans]
- Oh, for God's sakes. Let me help you with that. - Oh, thanks.
Just don't get any ideas. I'm not gonna wipe your ass later.
Ooh. My old friend codeine.
- Nice. Two for me, one for you? - No, no, no.
- I need that stuff. man. - Wait a minute.
- Can you drink with those? - It's way better when you drink.
One beer is not gonna be a problem.
Aw, come on, man. Marriage is outdated, Ron. We don't need 'em.
Yeah, we never should have, uh, given women the right to vote.
Okay, that's it.
Let's take it easy, shall we?
- It's been kind of a long night, what with the gang rape and all. - [Snoring]
Oh, God. I'm gonna walk Sleeping Beauty back up to his room.
- Come on. - Okay. I gotta go to the garden party.
- Okay, careful. Careful. - [Indistinct]
Okay. That's good for you.
You guys, uh- You guys comin', or what?
No, I think I'm gonna stay here, man.
That chick over there is beggin' me for it.
- [No Audible Dialogue] - I'm not gonna miss this.
Why would you?
Seth? [Groans]
- Hi. [Chuckles] - Hi.
He's, uh- He's had kind of a long day.
- It's definitely past someone's bedtime. - Yeah.
- Sorry about that. Come on, pal. - [Seth Mumbles]
Here you go. Oh, geez. [Laughs]
So, uh, do you wanna take a picture...
or should I giver you a piece of paper so you can sketch them?
- Take a picture. - Oh, no. I'm sorry. I'm sorry.
I'm from Cleveland, and I was noticing your shirt.
- Are you a Browns fan? - My father is from Cleveland, so I was brainwashed early.
I'm a Cavs fan, but they're breaking my heart right now.
- [Man On TV, Indistinct] - Aw, come on, LeBron.
- Shoot less commercials and more free throws. - [Seth] Come on, LeBron.
- So you’re-you're a big Cleveland fan, huh? - Such is my curse.
- Well, uh- - [Snoring]
He's drooling on me now...
so I should probably go, but it was nice meeting you.
- [Laughing] You too. - All right. Come on, little prince.
[Seth] Bye, LeBron.
Hey, it's Mel. Leave a message. I'll call you back.
Hey, babe. Just callin' to say hi.
I miss you. Um-
Gimme a call whenever.
I'll talk to you then. Love you. Bye.
[Women Giggling]
[Giggling Continues]
Guten Abend.
- Mmm. [Chuckles] - Balls to the wall, Ron.
Yeah, you know, I think I'm more of a couch sleeper.
[Chuckles] AufWiedersehen, \__igs.
[Muffled Giggling]
Oh, what is wrong with this guy?
Who walks away from that?
[Giggling]
Oh. Oh.
[Snoring]
- Wakey, wakey, D. - Uh, Nacho Bellgrande.
[Groaning]
[Women Giggling]
- Morning, ladies. - Guten Morgen.
[Muttering]
There is my book.
- Oh. I did- - [Laughs] D_n_eschd'n.
I set a banana on- It wa-
It was-
[Exhales] Oh, God.
She wasn’t just reading Hitler's manifesto, okay?
She was highlighting it. Those girls are Nazis!
Well, maybe, but they're hot Nazis. "Hotzis."
[Chuckles]
[Groans]
What the fuck!
- Hey. What the hell is this? - What?
This. What is this?
- That's your wedding ring. - My what?
Your wedding ring. You got married last night. You don't remember?
- [Together] What? - Yeah. After you guys left...
he went over to that little chippie at the bar and they actually hit it off.
Then we went out and had some drinks did some dancing.
Before you know it, we were in a little chapel in Boca. I was your best man.
You were my best man? You let me marry her? What the fuck!
I was honoured to be asked, buddy.
[Stammers]
Oh. Okay, guys.
Ha, ha, ha. I've been punk'd. Very funny.
- You're fuckin' with me, right? - Actually, I'm not.
Been waiting all morning to show you your marriage certificate.
Yeah, yeah. Could have got this done at a Kinko's.
Two minutes. Ha, ha. Very funny.
Then there's always the video.
[Derek Cackling] I'm gettin' married!
I'm-I'm in love with Sonia Hernandez.
Who's Sonia Hernandez?
- That's your new stepmom, twit. - Seriously? Again?
Dad, tell me this is a joke.
Look, I don't remember what happened.
You don't remember? What is the matter with you?
Okay, you hold on, 'cause I'm still your father.
Oh, you sure? 'Cause sometimes I don't know...
who's the adult and who's the child.
Thanks a lot, ass.
## [Soft Rock]
[Knocking]
Surprise bachelor party!
[Screams, Blows Noisemaker]
- Thank you. Hi. - [Chattering, Laughing]
You know what I love about golf, Ron?
- What's that, Todd? - It just has so much in common with women.
I mean, the finest, most gorgeous courses in the world...
are also the most expensive and the most difficult.
I mean, sure we like to kick around...
with a shitty little par three now and again-
- Long as our buddies don't see us, right? - Mmm.
The beauty of golf is variety.
You don't want to play the same hole every day.
Even if you are playing the backside.
Well, that's, uh-
That's beautiful, Todd, but I think I'm more of a one-hole kind of a guy.
I'm a three-hole man, myself.
Right.
All right, boys, what do you say we make it interesting?
- Five hundred a man. - Uh, how about we keep it to 100, huh?
- And we play Kennedy rules. - What are Kennedy rules?
Ted Kennedy. All right? Yeah.
You lose a hole, you drink. You hit it in the sand, you drink.
Seth "whiffs" the ball, we all drink.
- I don't even want to play. - Well, you're gonna.
We played at the putt-putt. The rules will transfer just fine.
Fair enough. We're also gonna play Todd rules.
What are Todd rules?
Strip golf. Lose a hole, you lose some clothes.
I told you he was a 'mo. Come on, pay up.
Not us. The caddies.
Oh, and that's less gay how?
Those are our caddies.
Hey, guys.
Hey, Ashley couldn't make it, but her sister is coming.
Oh. Here she comes now.
Sorry I'm late. My bunions are killing me.
- I call this one. - Wait, wait. - She's mine.
Oh, this day just keeps getting better and better.
[Whistling]
Yeah.
Oh.
Hmm.
## [Alternative]
Whoa!
## [Man Singing]
Ah.
## [Continues]
Oh, I can't. No!
All right.
Oh, God.
- Up yours, buddy. - [Yells]
- Drained it. - Oh, yes!
## [Continues]
- Fore! - [Todd]Comeback. Comeback.
[Chattering, Cheering]
[Laughing]
Miss it.
Miss it. Miss it.
Oh, yeah. That's my boy!
[Cheering]
[Cheering Continues]
## [Ends]
Let me get this right, Ron.
Your smokin' hot caddy asked you to play a 19th hole...
and you said no?
Dude, I'm gonna have to check your balls for gay.
Are you remotely familiar with how monogamy works?
- [Jason] No! - All right, boys, listen up.
- [Grunts] - Tonight I got something special planned.
We're going to the biggest party down at the beach.
We're comin' back here and we're drinkin' all night.
All right? Get some rest.
We're goin' balls to the wall.
- Is Seth okay? - He's fine.
I, on the other hand, got way too much exercise.
Kh. Wunderbar.
Mmm. You want?
- Nein. - All right.
- Scarey cat. - Hey.
Can you guys believe this? There's, like, 12 pages of Hernandez’s in here.
In Miami? Shocking.
Here's what we'll do, okay? lf each of us phones 75- Right? That should work-
Wait a minute. Where's-Where's Tommy?
Sonny? Hello? Sonny?
- Hey, hey, you. - Hey.
- This is Shawn. - Hi.
You think you can take care of her the way you took care of me?
Does the pope shit in the woods? One second.
Alley-oop.
Okay. Did you girls lose a bet or something? Huh?
Daddy's little helper.
Look out, ladies. Here I come.
Your friend- He’s just amazing.
- Eww. - Mr. Amazing is back.
[Chuckles] All right.
- I'll catch you guys later. - Hey, man, gimme the phone book. I'll help you out.
[Billiard Ball Clacks]
Autumn, can we do this tonight, at, like, a club or something?
These guys are not here to play bachelor games.
They're here to feed their drinking problems.
I have everything all set up...
and if you start changing things now, it'll mess everything up...
- and we won't get home in time for your surprise- - Okay.
Okay. Okay.
Mm-hmm.
Excuse me. Hi. Hi.
It's my bachelor party, and, well, I was just wondering...
if you wanted to pay a dollar to...
well, suck a piece of candy off my shirt.
Here's 10, but leave me the fuck alone.
Nice throw, Son.
[Derek] Hey, Tommy, it's me again.
Look. I, uh- I want to apologize for this morning.
It's-lt's not your fault that your dad's a fuck-up.
Just call me when you can. I'm worried about you and-
l- I love you, okay?
Okay. Bye.
Hey, guy! Little help here?
- Oh! What the hell is wrong with you? - Just wasted a beer.
Hi. Can I have a Jameson on the rocks, please?
Tough day?
- Hey! Browns girl. - [Chuckles]
- What, do you live in this bar? - Practically.
Tony makes the best in South Beach.
And it's Eva, by the way.
Hi. I'm Ron.
So, Ron, what's going on?
I am- I am here for my bachelor party.
Your bachelor party? Oh, well.
That bums me out. I thought you were cute.
Oh, um, thank you. [Laughs] I'm, uh- I'm flattered.
[Chuckles] Easy, cowboy. I'm just bustin' your balls.
- Hello. I'm engaged too. [Chuckles] - [Laughs]
God, is everyone from Cleveland this gullible?
They have done studies. Yeah, yeah.
So, uh, when is your big day, hmm?
Well, we just started dating a year ago.
So, between you, me and Tony, I'm not exactly in a rush.
I don't wanna make a lifelong mistake. You know what I mean?
Tony, can I have another, please?
## [Singing In German]
## [Humming Along]
Ah, don't kill me!
- Seth! - I'm fine. I'm fine. I'm fine. Whoa. Not fine.
I need- I need my- Where's my medication?
I think the fat boy took them.
Oh, that’s just great!
Maybe this will help.
Thanks.
Oh. Uh, so, you, um- You have a really nice-
You have a really nice voice. What was that song you were singing?
That's a song I used to sing when I was a little girl with my great-grandfather, Adolph.
[Gagging]
I'm fine. You said your- your grandpa who?
- My great-grandfather, Adolph! - [Nervous Laugh]
- He's so sweet. He lives in South America. - Yeah, I bet.
- He calls me every week. - Oh.
And he wants me to go to art school like he did in Vienna.
- Oh, art school. That's-That's fun. - Yes.
- But I'm not interested in art. - No.
- I like politics. - [Laughing]
Uh, can you- can you give me, maybe, the whole bottle?
[Whimpers]
Two months? I see your friend's point.
What if she turns out to be a serial killer or something?
I was once dated a guy for six months. He turned out to be gay.
- Maybe you made him gay. - Oh, I definitely made him gay.
I used to outdistance him on the driving range by 50 yards.
- Pansy. - You golf too, huh?
- Mm-hmm. - All right. I totally would have gone gay for you also.
I mean, not without the whole man- You know what I'm saying.
Well, sir, flattery will get you another drink.
Wait. No, no. I can't. I can't. I can't. I got this, uh...
Beach Blanket Bingo thing to go to here.
Fine. Leave me. I got Tony.
Oh. Well, you've got the world then.
Hey, why don’t you come with?
I don't think a girl should crash your bachelor party.
Come on. It's free booze and drunk spring break kids.
What more could you possibly want from an evening?
Plus, we can gab about centerpieces and bridesmaids' dresses.
You had me at "free booze." [Laughs]
- I'll see you there, Cleveland Ron. - All right.
Hey, Seth. What's goin' on, man?
[Sighs]
Hey, any luck finding Tom? Whoa!
All right. Um, you feeling okay, Seth?
No. I am far from okay. Okay?
I needed my medication, only Jason took it.
So Hitler's granddaughter gave me some of these aspirin.
Only now everything still hurts and I have this!
Is it supposed to curve like that, man?
- No! - Holy baby arm!
- This is all your fault! - Okay, how is that my fault?
Because you took my codeine, so I took a bunch of your Viagra!
Okay, that's not Viagra, Captain Hook. That's Equine XL.
Wait a minute. What's Equine XL?
It's boner pills for horses. I get it off this veterinary Web site.
- Oh, yeah? - Yeah, it's awesome.
[Derek] I gotta get that site.
They were in an aspirin bottle, you degenerate asshole!
- Well, excuse me for exercising a little discretion. - "Exercising discretion"?
I can't think of two words that have less in common with you...
than "exercise" and "discretion"!
Ouch. That hurt, Seth.
I'm gonna giver you something to hurt about, you motherfucker! Come on!
- [Shouting] - [Screams]
Whoa, whoa, whoa! All right, all right! Seth, stop. Stop.
[All Shouting]
Wet noodle! Wet noodle.
Sorry to interrupt... whatever this is.
The, uh, party starts in about 1 O minutes.
So, you know, if you just... finish up soon.
All right, Seth, I think you should, um-you should go and...
you know, take care of your little... situation.
- Yeah? Oh, yeah? - [Jason] Okay, I got it.
We just, uh, call a little call girl.
No, no, no.
I am not letting some diseased hooker touch me down there.
[Derek] We'll get a nice clean hooker to touch you down there.
[Seth] forget it, fellas. All right? Just forget it.
So, uh, are those Capri pants?
They're not Capri pants. Capri pants are for women.
Oh. So they're man-pri pants?
No. Look, they're cropped slacks, okay?
They're huge in Europe. Huge.
Yeah, George Michael's huge in Europe too.
You ever thought of maybe an ankle bracelet?
- Is he gonna be down soon? - Yeah. He'll be down in a minute.
[Whirring]
Be gentle.
[Shudders, Laughs]
[Sighs]
[Moaning]
- [Gasps, Speaking Spanish] - [Gasps]
- [Squishing Sound] - [Machine Grinding]
[Screaming]
[Chattering]
Here you go, ladies.
- Thank you, Flora. - [Chuckles]
What are we doing here? Not that I'm complaining...
but, you know, the odds of being thrown up on...
by a hardened alcoholic have dropped significantly.
Speaking of. where's Mom?
She's, uh, taking one of her "naps."
- [Doorbell Rings] - Ah. I wonder who that could be.
- What's going on? - I don't know.
Oh, no. It appears we have some sort of water leak.
[Chuckles] The plumber's here!
Excuse me, ladies. I understand you're having some problems with your plumbing.
## [Dance Rock]
[Grunting]
- Okay. - I may have to pull out my special tool for this job.
Don’t you worry. I'm accustomed to working with a lot of pipe.
Oh, my God! Are those Jimmy Choo's?
## [Continues]
[Gasps] Flora!
[All] Go, plumber! Go, plumber! Go, plumber!
Go, go! Go, plumber! Go, plumber! Go, plumber!
Go, go! Go, plumber! Go, plumber!
- Go, plumber! Go, plumber! - ## [Stops]
Go, go! Go, plumber!
What in fuck's name is going on?
And where did Tommy Tune here come from?
Mother! It's Mel's bachelor party. This is the stripper.
[Effeminately] Hi. Love your house.
Thanks, Sally.
[Scoffs] Jesus, Autumn!
This guy likes cock more than anyone else in this room.
- Excuse me, Mother, but we were in the middle- - But nothing.
No daughter of mine is going to have a one-man rendition...
o5 _ Chorus line for her bachelor party.
Oh, really? Well, what do you wanna do that's so great?
- We'll go to my book club. - [Chuckles]
- [People Chattering] - ## [Dance]
Oh, I'll take that. Definitely don't need that.
- Oh. - Thanks.
- You got it? - Yeah.
- All right. - Gentlemen, to a night we will never forget.
- Cheers. - Hear! Hear!
Oh.
See ya later, guys.
- Whoa. Whoa. Feeling a little woozy. - You all right?
I think this erection's draining the blood from my brain.
I'm disgusting.
Okay, okay. Fair-weather friends, Ron. Those are fair-weather friends.
I am not gonna let a little pissin' and moanin' ruin your bachelor party.
- All right, brother? Yeah! - All right.
- Hang on a second. - And off he goes.
Oh. Well, thank you.
Really? Does that come with a side of Tampax?
Not tonight. Tonight we roll V.I.P.
[Chattering]
lf you don't already have someone performing your wedding, I'm also a licensed minister.
Uh, that would be just lovely.
## [Dance]
[Chattering, Laughter]
rhjs is your book club?
Come on! Go home!
Nobody likes you.
For the love of God, take a rest!
[Jacuzzi Jets Whirring]
So, you guys offer limo service, right?
The presidential suite.
Now, bachelor, I'll bet you're hungry, my dear.
Would you care for a scone?
- Hi. - [Sighs]
Grandma Rose?
[Gags]
Well, hello, Melinda dear!
The Japanese have surrendered! The war is over!
Great-Grandma?
Would you look at us?
Four generations together at book club.
I need a refill.
## [Dance]
Come on, baby. Daddy needs a rest. [Sighs]
- Hey, fellas, look, a hot tub! - No, it's-
It's closed for maintenance. I'm cleaning it.
Looks like a clothing optional tub too.
- [Jets Sucking] - [Groans] I'm stuck!
- Excuse me. - Oh, God!
Looks nice.
- [Gasps] - [Men Chattering]
Well, well, I thought you hadn't made it.
Sorry, I was just freshening up.
Oh. You freshen up nice.
Half now, half after.
And when you're done, you come party with a real man.
Sounds great.
- Go get him. - [Pats Bottom]
- ## [Hip-hop] - Get it ready! It's time for the hot body dance contest!
Now, whoever shakes her thing for the crowd and gets the most applause wins $500!
- Are you with me? - [Cheering]
Yeah! First up is sexy Kirstein.
- ## [Dance Rock] - [Crowd Cheering]
Hey, 500 bucks just for shaking your tits?
You should get in on that, man. You got lovely tits.
What are they, a full "B" cup?
Don’t you have, like, a lost child and future ex-wife to find?
You know what? That cut. That cut real deep.
Is it gay that we're in this hammock together?
- ## [Continues] - [Cheering Continues]
- Looks like her years of tap lessons paid off. - Hey.
Wow. Uh, this is new. Okay. You look amazing.
I'm-Are you on next or something?
I got disqualified. 'Roids.
Ah, yes. See, I suspected you might be a juicer.
- Mojito? - You speak my language.
- Shall we? - Ah, yes.
Excuse me, ladies. May I interest you in a cocktail?
Oh, yes. I slept with a colored man once.
- Shh! - He was the milkman.
Oh, he was so big, and black as night.
- Okay, Mother. Okay. - He sure delivered the milk that day!
Okay, uh, if you’ll all excuse me.
I'm gonna check in with Ron.
Mmm!
[Cell Phone Rings]
Ooh, Todd. Looks like Ron forgot his phone.
Oooh, score. All right, ladies. Get lost. Go.
[Girl] Okay. See ya.
- [Rings] - Ron's phone.
Hey. Todd?
Oh, hi, Mel. You know what?
I would get Ron, but he's a little, uh, indisposed at the moment.
- Is he throwing up? He's- He's kind of a lightweight. - Not exactly.
Mel, are you sure you want to invite this guy into our family?
What?
Listen, Ron has been sleeping with everything in a skirt out here.
Do you guys have some kind of arrangement or something? Hello?
- Mel? - [Dial Tone Humming]
Next stop, corner office! More shots!
- Ooh! - Shots!
It doesn't seem like Ron at all.
It's better you found out now.
Next time he falls asleep, cut one of his balls off. That'll teach him.
Not now, Mother!
- I have to see him. Tonight. - [Autumn] You want to go to Miami tonight?
I'll call your father. We can take the jet.
- ## [Dance Rock] - [Cheering]
Ooh-hoo. All right, guys, give it up one more time for Candy!
All right. Last but certainly not least...
we have the beautiful... Jason?
- Oh, my God! - Oh, God.
- [Exhales] - ## [Dance Rock]
[Man] Get off the stage, loser!
- Yeah! - Whoo!
[All Cheering]
## [Stops]
- Yeah! - Whoo! Yeah!
[Emcee] All right, guys. This is crazy.
For the first time in club history we have a tie...
- between Candy... - [Cheering]
- and Jason! - [Loud Cheering]
Now, right here, that can only mean one thing. I'm talking about a dance of_
[Loud Cheering]
- You're going down, fatty. - Oh, bring it on, sugar tits.
First up, Candy!
## [Dance]
## [Latin]
[Loud Cheering]
## [Dance]
Don't get mad, girl.
[Gasps]
Oh, that is not nice.
Oh, man, you can't beat that. You can't beat that.
[Chanting] Jason! Jason! Jason!
[Crowd Chanting Along] Jason! Jason! Jason!
Jason! Jason!
Jason! Jason! Jason!
- [Cheering Stops] - [Gasps]
- Yeah! - [All Cheering]
Yeah!
We have a winner! Big Jason! [Laughs]
I do not know where they are.
- Maybe they took a few groupies back to the hotel or something. - [Laughs]
[Shivers] Is it me or is it freezing?
Um, we can go. You-You wanna go?
- Yeah, let's go. - All right.
- Hey, hey. Ron just left with Eva. - Perfect.
Just to be sure, get every hot piece of ass here back to the suite.
Okay. Hey, what should I tell them?
I don't give a shit. Get it done or you’re gonna be walking back to Cleveland.
- All right? - Okay.
Yeah. Thanks, bro. Man, I've always wanted one of these.
[Seth] Guys! Guys!
Come here. Oh, thank God. Thank God!
You have no idea what I've been through. Help me get me out of this Chlamydia stew!
- [Both Groan] - Come on, man!
I swear to God, if l see anymore man junk on this trip, I'm gonna gouge my eyes out.
- Who's the degenerate now? - Okay? Get a girlfriend.
- Are you serious? - Get a watermelon.
Are you serious? Hey, come on!
l- I think I lost a ball! [Groans]
[Man] Hey, fellas, look, a hot tub.
- [Neck Muscles Cracking] - [Screams]
[Derek Over Phone] I'm worried about you, and I love you. Okay?
Okay, good-bye.
- That was weird. - What?
My dad. We had a fight today...
and he actually apologized, which is a first.
Hey, driver, are there any karaoke bars around here?
[Girls Chattering Excitedly]
Get down here! This guy just invited us to Justin Timberlake's hotel room!
Congratulations to Jeff for earning his one-year chip!
And next up, we have Betty who has earned her six-month chip.
Come on up here, Betty!
[Laughing]
Excuse me. Is this the Timberlake orgy?
- Um, no, afraid not. - Sorry.
Betty? Where are you? Betty? Wait!
No, don't go! You must avoid your lust triggers!
[Girls Screaming]
[Mutters]
- [Shouting Continues] - Justin!
[Laughs] Wow. You look tense.
Uh, yeah, yeah. It's been a tense weekend. Let me ask you something.
Is a bachelor party the last chance for someone to convince the bachelor...
that they're making a huge mistake? Is that it?
I don't know. Are you?
- What? Making a mistake? - Yeah.
I don't know. l- I don't think so.
You don't think so? Well, if that’s not true love, I don't know what is.
[Chuckles] Okay, well, in your infinite wisdom...
maybe you can tell me how do you know that your fiancé is the one?
I never said he was.
Well, why did you say "yes"?
'Cause he asked, I guess.
Look, I'm not the one with the wedding date.
Life is short and I want to be sure.
- ## [Dance Rock] - [All Shouting]
[Chattering]
- I love Miami. - Sonny.
Oh. Hey, Betty.
So, I've got a few friends that are in need of your expertise.
- Oh. Well, okay. - All right. Come on, girls.
Oh. Uh- Oh.
I don't know, Betty. I mean, my penis is really tired.
- [Girls Groan] - Your cock can sleep when it's dead.
- Okay? - Yeah, yeah. Yeah!
- Okay. Yeah, let's do this! - Oh, good!
Okay, first bedroom on the right. [Growling]
Yeah, I can't wait. Tall. Blonde. You're getting it.
Here you go. I'm outta here. Witness the sickness!
Hey. Go get some hair plugs.
Come on. Where's Ron?
[Groans]
My God!
- I know they're sex addicts, but come on! - [Betty Growls]
[Derek] You guys seen a kid, huh? Anybody, you seen a kid?
You seen a kid?
- Hey, Seth. - Hey.
- How'd you get out of the hot tub, man? - I don't want to talk about it.
Sebastian and Meat, this is Derek.
Derek, Sebastian, Meat.
Have you seen, uh- seen Tommy anywhere?
- No, sorry. - Meat?
All right. Let me know, man. Tommy?
Well, I'm gonna take the longest shower in recorded history.
Make yourselves at home.
## [Hip-hop]
Tommy!
Tommy. Where have you been?
I've been so worried about you. What are you wearing?
- Who's your friend? - Dad, this is Sonia Hernandez Murphy.
Murphy. Okay, okay. Yeah, same last name. Small world.
Dad, this is the woman you married last night.
Oh, my God! I'm so sorry.
I didn't recognize you. You see, last night-
- You were hammered. - [Exhales]
It's so good to see you!
[Gasps] Okay, okay.
Yeah. Uh, Tommy, can I see you for a sec?
Excuse me, Sonia.
How did you find her?
I checked out a couple karaoke bars.
What? Karaoke bars?
Dad, you love karaoke. Mom loves karaoke.
So do your other ex-wives. So why would number four be any different?
Now listen. She's an aerobics instructor...
Loves merlot, hates smoking, and her family owns the Miami Dolphins.
- Holy shit. Really? - Yeah, she's loaded.
So don't blow this. Now go talk to your wife.
- Sonia! [Chuckles] - [Giggles]
[Exhales] It's so clean and organized.
It's so German.
Whoa.
Oh, my God.
Seth!
- [Gasps] Oh, hey. - [Vibrating]
Gerda. Hi. I was... just gonna borrow some Purell.
No, it's not- it's not what it looks like. I was-
- Oh, Seth! - No!
- Oh, Seth, yes! - Okay.
Well, l-l- I've never been married...
so I don't have a lot of experience with this subject matter.
But with Mel...
things just feel right.
Hmm. Well...
what about this?
- Does this feel right? - Uh- I, um- I, uh-Who needs a drink?
Yes, let's have a toast.
- Oh, yeah. - To life being short.
Um-
Wait, wait, wait, wait. We-We can't-We can't do this.
I know that what I'm doing is right.
And Mel is the one for me. I'm sure of that.
And I know that your fiancé...
is an incredibly lucky man...
to be marrying an amazing woman like- like you.
- I'm sorry. - Don't. Please, don't apologize.
Yes, I-I should because I'm- I'm not getting married.
And I'm far from an amazing woman.
But you’re a really good guy...
unlike your buddy Todd.
[Chuckles] What?
[Screaming]
Jesus!
[Gasps]
## [Dance Rock]
- Oh, Seth! Seth! - I'm going to hell!
I'm going to hell, but it's okay. I'm sorry, Grandma!
- I’m so sorry! - [German]
- Oh, God! [Shouting] - Yeah! Yeah! Yeah!
What are you doing here? Where's Ron?
Sleeping it off on the beach. Mission accomplished.
Really? Well, I need proof.
Oh, I've got it. Pictures galore.
Excellent. Let's see.
We could do that now, or...
you and I could celebrate.
Billy.
Leave now.
[Door Opens]
- [Door Closes] - Dut, dut, dut, dut, dut.
By the way...
- [Vibrating] - I like to get wild.
You like to get wild, don’t you, Todd?
Oh.
## [Hip-hop]
Hey, fellas.
[Crowd Chanting] Drink! Drink! Drink! Drink! Drink! Drink!
Drink! Drink! Drink! Drink! Drink! Drink!
- [Cheering] - [Boy] Mazeltov!
[Chattering]
Where is she going?
She went home. I told her I'd see her tomorrow at the annulment.
You're not gonna stay with her? She's perfect!
I know that, buddy, but I told her...
I've got a couple of very important things back in Cleveland.
That was stupid. She's rich!
You gotta relax, okay? We're still dating. We're gonna do the long-distance thing.
I'm not that stupid. Right? Hang on a sec.
[Betty] See, he was wondemul.
Excuse me, ladies.
Hi. I, uh- I hate to ask this...
but what exactly is Jason’s-
Uh, Sonny's secret?
I don't know what to tell you, Rico. It's a God-given talent.
- He's like Mother Teresa. - Wait a minute.
He's like Mother Teresa in the sack?
Yeah, he is. I just wish he was staying longer.
There are so many more of us that need to be cured.
Cured? The only thing that guy could cure is a ham!
I've been a sex addict all my life. I have tried everything.
Even electroshock therapy. Nothing worked... until I slept with Sonny.
It was so- [Gags] foul.
I don't think I'll ever have sex again! He's an angel.
[Chuckles] Hey, he is an angel.
- Well, thanks, ladies. - Yeah, sure.
He's an angel.
[Laughing]
Whoo! I am wiped out.
Man, those chicks were passing me around like the Stanley Cup in there.
- I bet they were, you pathetic- - Sonny Crockett, you're the man.
Ah, I do my best. Now, I gotta find a little beverage, replenish my fluids.
[Laughing] Yeah.
I was gonna rip him a new one.
Sometimes you gotta let your buddies have their little moment in the sun, okay?
And besides, we're gonna be able to hang this over him forever.
Oh, yeah.
Ooh. Mmm, all right. Come on. Let's do this.
- One more thing. - What?
What-What are you doing?
Well, you know, Todd, I thought a lot about what you said...
and you were right.
- I do want a threesome. - [Gasps] I meant two girls, okay?
Two girls! Okay?
Come on, buddy.
Don’t you wanna go balls to the wall?
No, l-l- I don't.
- ## [Continues] - [Chattering]
Guess what everybody. I'm free from my penis!
- ## [Stops] - [Cheering]
## [Resumes]
I'm totally flaccid. It's great!
What, did your horse stif_juice run out?
Not exactly.
What are you gonna do with that?
- Oh. - Seth. [German]
- Rar, rar, rar, rar. - You slept with the Nazi?
She's a total neat freak, man, just like me. I it’s like we were destined to meet.
- Seth, you're a Jew. - A self-loathing Jew. It's perfect!
Hey, have, uh, you guys seen Ron?
Oh, God. Oh, God.
Ron, listen, it's cool.
Okay, it's cool. I like you. Okay? This is just- It's not my thing!
- Okay? - Shh.
lf this is going to be special, I need it to be silent.
Oh, God.
Oh, God, no. No, listen. listen. [Whimpering]
Hey, Billy, have you seen- Jesus Christ! What the fuck, Ron?
What? What? No, it's not what it looks like.
Todd was tying to break Mel and I up...
because he was worried I was gonna replace him at Mel's dad's company.
I don't even want the job, you dumb shit! All I want is Mel.
[Muffled Shouts]
So in retaliation you decided to rape him?
I can respect that.
Hey, fellas, looks like the real party's in here.
[Groans]
So, is there an agreed upon safe word or what?
- [Moans] - It's not what you think.
[Gasps]
- Mel. - [Moans]
You are sick.
l- No, no, wait! It's not what you think. Todd set me up!
- Wait, no. Honey! Hey! - [Gasps]
No. [Groans]
What the hell is he talking about?
Ask him.
[Chuckles]
- Mel! - [Gasps]
Mel!
Hey!
Wait, wait, wait Hang on!
[Screaming]
So he set this whole thing up to get Ron to cheat. Sorry.
Fuck you.
- Is this true? - Sweetheart, he's- he's lying.
You are so fucking fired, Billy!
Really, huh? After all I've done.
He's been skimming off the top for years and sleeping with Angela in Accounting.
She gave him crabs. I bought the cream.
- Bullshit! - Bastard!
Okay, everybody out of the room.
- Now, Autumn, honey- - I said out now!
- [Autumn Shouting] Angela in Accounting! - Baby, I can explain.
- Look at me! You son of a bitch! - [Punches Landing]
Mel!
[Both Gasping]
It's my fiancée. It's all a big misunderstanding.
- Hang on! We're taking a shortcut! - [Screaming]
- Look out! Look out! - [Horn Honking]
[Shouting]
Mel! Mel!
Take the wheel!
- Mel, let's talk. - Leave me alone!
- [Gasps] - [Screams]
[Crowd Gasps]
Ron!
- Ron! - Mel! Mel! Mel, listen.
Listen, listen, listen. Todd thought I was going to take his job.
- He wanted to get rid of me, so he's tried to set me up. - He what?
- [Stammering] - What were you doing in that room? I saw you!
We were just tying to scare him, that's all! That's all we were doing.
Mel, you know me. And you know that I love you. And I would never cheat on you.
Come on. Listen! This-This weekend...
I have heard nothing- nothing but reasons why we should not get married.
You know, that it's-it's- it's too soon...
that marriage is a dead institution...
that golf is boring if you play only one hole the rest of your life.
What are you talking about?
I don't know!
Look, look. Listen, listen. What I mean is this.
What I'm tying to say is that no matter what anyone else tells me...
all I can think about is the next time I get to stare into your eyes.
And if l get a chance to do that everyday for the rest of my life...
that sounds like a pretty good deal to me.
[Crowd Sighing, Applauding]
- I'm ready to elope. - You're ready to- [Laughs]
I'm sick of this bride-to-be stuff. I'm ready to elope.
Okay. Are you- Are you serious?
'Cause I think Derek actually knows a place that- that we can- could go.
I am-Actually, I think I know someone who can help us.
Do you, Ron, take Melinda to be your lawfully wedded wife?
- I do. - Do you, Melinda...
take Ron to be your lawfully wedded husband?
I do. [Giggles]
Way to go, Ron!
- Sorry, Mel. - It's okay.
By the power vested in me and the state of Florida...
I now pronounce you man and wife.
You may kiss your bride, Papi.
Oh, thank God. I'm starving.
Yeah, I could really go for a pizza.
You like pizza?
- [Laughing] - Aloha, welcome!
Aloha back at ya. Last name Rhodes, checking into the honeymoon suite!
I'm sorry, ma'am. It appears the honeymoon suite is booked for another party.
Well, check again. It's my honeymoon!
Calvin, tell this man you made the reservation in the honeymoon suite.
- Baby, the thing is- - Don’t you "baby" me!
I didn't wait 17 years...
to not have my honeymoon in the honeymoon suite.
Hi. Checking into the honeymoon suite. Last name Simmons.
You-
You son of a bitch!
Hey, you. Small world, huh?
I'm gonna kill you! [Screaming]
No, get back! Get back! You are nuts!
- Get over here, you son of a bitch! - Mel! Mel!
Get your ass over here!
You son of a bitch!
- That's my ring! - That was my grandmother's ring!
- You little shit! - Get away from me!
You need some therapy, woman!
## [Rock]